


modern advances

by jessewrites



Category: I Made America (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, John Adams Denial™, M/M, Trans Character, james and john have a weird kind of relationship is it romantic ? is it queerplatonic? who knows, trans guy james madison, you know what ? i have no excuses ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 00:36:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7383916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessewrites/pseuds/jessewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>james hasn’t told anyone yet.<br/>(no. that’s not right. he told dolley. he doesn’t remember telling dolley, but she knew. she helped him.<br/>he wishes dolley were here now. he could use some help.)<br/>he’s heard that in these modern times, people like him (whatever that means) are accepted. at least more than they were when he was home. that’s a nice thought, maybe, but all his friends are from when he was home.<br/>why would they even need to know? why would they care at all? it’s not like james aches for someone to tell him he isn’t crazy when he’s alone and wishing he could just be normal. wishing he wasn’t the one they all pitied. it’s not like he  it’s not like he shies away from touch because he’s afraid someone will realize, even though he finds himself often wanting more than anything simply to be held. it’s not like all he wants, really, is for someone to understand.<br/>(oh.)</p><p>(or: the one where james madison is trans and john adams is a Good Person™ and also Gay™)</p>
            </blockquote>





	modern advances

**Author's Note:**

> hello !! welcome to Garbage Land !! im joking, mostly
> 
> i have no excuses ok? im just ? really emo about i made america?? also this fandom needs more fics so i decided to help the cause

james hasn’t told anyone yet.

(no. that’s not right. he told dolley. he doesn’t remember telling dolley, but she knew. she helped him.

he wishes dolley were here now. he could use some help.)

he’s heard that in these modern times, people like him (whatever that means) are accepted. at least more than they were when he was home. that’s a nice thought, maybe, but all his friends are from when he was home.

why would they even need to know? why would they care at all? it’s not like james aches for someone to tell him he isn’t crazy when he’s alone and wishing he could just be normal. wishing he wasn’t the one they all pitied. it’s not like he  it’s not like he shies away from touch because he’s afraid someone will realize, even though he finds himself often wanting more than anything simply to be held. it’s not like all he wants, really, is for someone to understand.

_ (oh.) _

…

it’s alexander, of all people, who finds out first. (well, second. after thomas. but that’s different.) he probably wouldn’t have told alexander otherwise. he’s not sure he would trust him with anything at this point, but alexander is the one usually left to take care of him.

( _ take care of him _ . he’s so tired of being pitied.)

it’s when james doesn’t think he’s listening, didn’t even know alex was in the room.

“mrs. madison,” he’s muttering, and he’s not even sure what he’s trying to say. “tell mrs. madison hello.”

james can still see the look on his face when he realized. he promises not to tell anyone, but that’s worth approximately nothing coming from alex.

he’s still shaking when the rest of the group returns home an hour or so later. alex said he wouldn’t tell anyone but james still gets nervous every time he talks to someone.

…

benjamin knows. james isn’t sure when or how (probably alex; it’s always alex) but ben knows. he all but corners james one day, and james is already uneasy before he even opens his mouth.

“i never would have known,” ben says, and james hates the way his voice is curiously excited. “i mean, you just look like… like a man. it’s so-”

“stop,” is all james manages to say. he doesn’t - he can’t - he doesn’t have the energy to talk about this. to say anything at all, really. an idea comes to him. he doesn’t even really know what he’s trying to say, but that doesn’t stop him from blurting out again:

“ready or not, ready or not,… tell mrs madison hello.”

even ben can’t decode that one. james gets a strange sense of satisfaction when he walks away confused.

 

...

thomas had seen him, once. he and dolley were staying at monticello, like they had so many times before. it was early in the morning - james assumed thomas wouldn’t be awake yet. dolley had been helping him bind his chest, tying lengths of fabric tight around his ribs. 

(dolley always helps him. even though he’s… like this. he really doesn’t deserve her.)

god. he remembers the morning almost exactly. 

james is sitting on the bed when he notices thomas. or when thomas notices him. he had been taking a moment to breathe before dolley tied the bindings. just one moment. 

that’s when he sees thomas standing in the doorway. he looks excited, like he’d been hoping james and dolley were already awake. then he looks confused, like he’s trying to understand. after a moment they make eye contact, a few horrible seconds that feel like centuries. james should move, should cover up or hide, but all he feels is crushing, overwhelming shame. he can feel himself starting to breathe faster, and vaguely he can feel dolley’s hand on his shoulder. 

“well, then, i suppose i’ll see you two at breakfast?” and then thomas is leaving like he’s trying to pretend he didn’t see anything but that doesn’t help at all.

james, at this point, has already thrown on two shirts and a rather heavy jacket in an attempt to hide. he’s panicking, and he knows it, but he can’t do anything about it at this point. dolley’s still trying to console him, trying to promise that it’ll be okay. james can’t see it ever ending okay, but he trusts dolley. he trusts dolley.

when they finally make it out to breakfast, james is dressed more normally, although he still insisted dolley finish the bindings. thomas is sitting at the table sipping a cup of tea and pretending he didn’t see james and dolley enter the room.

“oh, hello, mr. madison,” he says, and he never says “mr. madison” in such an informal setting. “did you… sleep well, sir?”

james wants to disappear on the spot. of course he’d do something like that. james appreciates his intentions, but thomas is just making everything even more awkward now.

“you don’t have to do that, thomas. just… try to forget you saw anything.”

there’s a moment of silence.

“alright, then,” thomas says. “sir.”

and from then on thomas knows. it only makes james anxious when he thinks about it.

 

\---

james has a feeling that george has known for a while now. of course he wouldn’t say anything, but james has seen the looks.

james also considers the fact that maybe george doesn’t know. he’s not sure how he feels about that, but for the moment he thinks he’s mostly relieved. 

(he’s not sure, though. sometimes he thinks it might be nice to have someone so… important on his side. to have someone so respected respect him.)

james decides that he doesn’t really care, at this point, if george finds out.

 

\---

and then there’s john. somehow, james isn’t (as) afraid when john asks him about it. he’s got the same curious tone as ben had, but it’s… softer.

(james realizes what’s different a while later: benjamin was asking out of sheer fascination - the slightly obsessive intrigue in anyone who is “different.” john was trying to learn - he wanted to be better for james. james isn’t sure how he feels about that. he knows he doesn’t feel bad.)

\---

john finds the dynamic between himself and james changing. they’ve always been friends, to some degree, but now it feels… different. john can’t quite determine what about their relationship has changed; it’s puzzling, really. he almost certain he’s felt like this before, or at least felt something similar.

he just wants james to be safe. that’s all. there’s no harm in looking out for a friend.

(somewhere, in the back of john’s mind, there’s fear. he’s not sure why. he reminds himself that they don’t hang people anymore, not for things like… that.)

(not that he’s one of... those men. why would he have to worry? it’s not like he finds himself staring at james and wondering what it might be like to.. no. he shouldn’t even entertain the thought.)

_ (oh.) _

  
  


\---

 

james lets john help him. it takes a while for him to stop shying away from any sort of touch, but eventually it becomes almost… comforting? james becomes okay with letting john help with binding, and even being okay with not binding when only john is around.

(it isn’t the same. john isn’t dolley, james isn’t abigail, isn’t even close, but they’re both realizing that maybe that’s okay.)

james starts sleeping in john’s room. the others assume that he’s getting worse and “needs to be taken care of.” he’d rather not explain that he’s finally found a place (a person) that makes him feel safe. john doesn’t really understand, he never will, but he doesn’t pretend to, and james appreciates that.

(it feels wrong to say love, but james is beginning to realize that things are different now. maybe it’s okay to say love.)

(sometimes he thinks about dolley. he wonders what she’d think of this. what she’d think of him.

james just tries to reassure himself that she’d want him to be happy.

dolley would want him to be happy.)

\---

james is asleep. his head rests against john’s shoulder and john has never seen him look so peaceful.

back… then (it’s getting harder and harder to think of it as home), john would be risking his life by doing this. they both would have been hanged, or at the very least given a life sentence in prison. (however, maybe not, because james is....  but then again, he didn’t know then, so he’s not really sure. he doesn’t want to think about it too much.)

back then, he’d have been hanged ,but right now, the way james looks when he's asleep is .... cute isn't the right word. men don't find other men cute. but looking at james asleep in his bed (in his bed), he wonders if it's so wrong to think james is beautiful?

part of john is afraid. he’s afraid of the way his heart skips when james smiles at him. of the way he wouldn’t mind to just.... lay here, for a while.

james wakes up slowly.

“good morning, james.”

james says something that might be “morning”.

john can’t help but smile as james pulls the blankets up to his chin. it occurs to john that he’s perfectly content here. happy, even.

james takes his hand carefully, softly. the both of them are still learning how this whole... thing works. (maybe, in the back of their minds, they’ve known the whole time.)

\----

it’s not perfect. they’re not perfect. there are days when james still can’t make words out of his thoughts and when john gets frustrated because he doesn’t understand. it’s not perfect, but it’s getting better, james thinks. 

james realizes one afternoon that everyone knows. everyone knows, and for the most part, nothing has changed. he’s still a little nervous when anyone (except john, usually) looks at him for longer than normal, but he can learn to deal with it. he’s always been like that, anyway. 

james realizes one day that it might even be better for him here. people... like him (people like john, people like  _ them _ ) are accepted here. at least more than they were in 1776.

 

the year is two thousand and twelve, and james madison is okay.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> the title is from the line "where is the life despite all of these modern advances? where is the love? well i try and get no second glances" from IMA jefferson's song "life in forward times" lmao
> 
> comments/kudos are much appreciated!! also my tumblr is @jamesmadisn feel free to yell with me abt this au


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